i dont think you quite understand. even if you do, you can’t imagine the wrenching feeling i have that all ive run from and tried to forget since i was a small child has now cornered me. im a thoughtful girl; often too much. everything i do is intense; its hard to be easygoing. stress comes easily to me like a visitor who leaves knives on my floor where i step unassumingly. ive tried for years to forget this nature of mine that ive nurtured since birth.
i loathe weakness in all its forms so you must understand i recognise this birthly gift as a weakness that both runs and is loathed deeply. i’m aware that i am a walking contradiction to despise weakness yet succumb to my own.
about a week ago from very stressful circumstance, i became more tired, more sore, more disillusioned. since then my knees and elbows ache more, like pins and needles that i can never shake off. my muscles hurt and i have to lean on things to stand up. also my jaw hurts and clicks, the dr told me that my nerves are utilizing pain pathways when they have no need to. in short, im suffering a lot.
someone i know suggested a cause or name for why my limbs ache so. i recognised the name, i hope to fuck it is not that as it is almost a invitation to descend into the madness of mine that i have shied away from for many years.
on one hand; prone to dramatics im terrified of it, that my own body will betray me….again another running theme/horror in my mind. on the other side though i want to hiss and yell and fuck my boyfriend and squeeze every inch of my being into life and not slip away.
for now at least i am calm.
So i’m ill. again. Or i never got better in the first place. My legs and arms tingle and shake, my muscles ache. It hurts to stand or be in any position with weight or pressure on my limbs. typing this hurts. As if thats not enough, my jaw is clicking out of place every second making the entire right side of my face and neck hurt. i feel like im falling apart. on top of this im hormonal as hell and freaking out about every little part of my life. saw the doctor yesterday, she had no idea at all really why any of this is happening and coud only vaguely assume that my muscle pain is lasting from the glandular fever i had 2 months ago. as for the jaw pain, she gave me pills that can also be used as antidepressants though she ‘didn’t think i was depressed’. well that shows just how observant she is. not. these pills also have a long list of awful side effects that terrify me, including extreme tiredness - when im already tired enough to keel over.
that comment about depression really got to me though. also today im more tired and wretched than yesterday. no energy at all and every limb is shaking uncontrollably.
before i left the dr asked if id had a nice time in st lucia, i said ‘no’ and left.