After seeing you, its like watching how i could be. ow my nightmares let me thing i am you. how it is not honey butter for you, but coppery and thick like treacle. how you demand control as i do, how you like to know all you can as i do, how you like to prepare as i do. But you and i know you cannot prepare for a child. in one word; a dream of mine and a nightmare. my worst fear in flesh form.
That in my urgency for control, you little one would struggle with alarm, that you would tire as i would. horror if you got stuck. the in-between. horror that my own neurosis would work against you; my almost flesh. so many times have i lived an imaginary world where i fail you in this; your birth.
seeing this lady, with several traits of my own, it was not easy for her, she was not like a sow in farrow. she saw it was going wrong. it didnt, but how delicately it danced the line. i think so much it wounds me. even this thought is an act of control, spoiling my chances and scaring me. Only, for a girl who needs all the answers i can’t know how to make this better for me.
I’m mad at you. I want hear your voice. why do you shy away from me? I do not ask for the earth, I ask for us to be equal.